I Say This With A Straight Face

WHY do I always let myself get used up to the point where there is nothing left for me. WHY do ppl fail to believe that I have feelings too, no they kno I have feelings they just try to test me. I have gone thru so many friends in these past 22 years of my life and now I realize that my friendship is too hard. If u never had a friend who cared enough about you to check on you, to offer their assistance and just be there without asking for a damn thing in return then u r not ready for a friends like me. I have had sudden breaks and hard breaks from friends but none hurt worse than the ones who just don't understand who you are. I am a real person, I don't get any more real. I laugh hard, play hard, cry hard, and I fall hard. But I need a friend now. I need someone who can be my backbone because that is hard to find. They all say they are different for me to only find out they just have a different name with different skin but the same mind set. It amazes me how most of my friendships r so one sided. Only because I allow them to be. I play like on a hard ass but I'm really a kitten. I hurt just like everyone else but no one seems to realize this or care. As I write this I am however realizing that there is hope for me to find that friend. I just need to be open. So this is what I have come to. I want to thank the ppl who understand my pain and understand that sometimes I need a break too. And I want to thank the people who don't want to take the time to understand me but simply want to reap the benefits of our friendships. Because these two groups of ppl are the ones who make me a better friend and I am more than open to that.

The People I Call Friends

I think I have a problem with calling ppl my friends too quickly. Let me tell u about some of the ppl I call my friends.
One of my So Called Friends(SCF) decided it would be a good idea to tell me how they felt they needed an explanation as to why I don't chill with them anymore. When I was pretty sure I told this SCF that I was broke and starving. So all I do is work go to the gym and sleep because I have no money to eat. I didn't say anything when this same asshole stopped talking to me for almost a fucking month.

Then don't get me started on this SCF that does not respond to any of my any kind of messages until they want something and then when I call them out on it they have the fuckin nerve to get upset with me. Really that's how u feel. This person should be lucky they r back in my life period after the emotional confusion they took me thru.

And the new SCF. That was texting me everyday now I don't even get a hey because I told them NO for the first time. The fuck outta here with that little kid shit.

You kno what I'm just done. I am no longer allowing walk-ins into my life. From now on u need 3 references, an appointment for an interview and a fuckin resume.

Not Feeling This Shit Here

So I have been at work all night well since 3am and I am so sleepy. I hope my relieve comes in early. This fight is beconing a losing battle. Thank God for Steve Harvey because my work buddoes have failed me. Damn

*Sigh*

Wat team I don't have one...I don't have friends that die hard for me like I die hard for them and I think that is something I will never get used to so I have to change. I have to make ppl see that I don't wanna b a giver anymore I want to me a sitter. I want to sit and wait for other ppl to do shit and that should b fine but it won't be. I'm sick of calling the bank and getting the rudest person in there on the phone when my money isn't right. I'm sick of giving to my friends just for them to say fuck u until they need something again. And I am tired of life. If I was the suicide type I think this post would be my going away present to the world but since I'm not its just another rant about how my life no matter how simple it may seem is complicated. Shit I want a man who will take care of me and give to me without looking at his bank account. I need friends who want to help me and not just party and drink with me. I need to start over. Because if I could go back to 5 years ago I would have all of that and more because I would do things that make me happy. And right now in my life I am not happy and I damn sure deserve to be.

Why???

When talking to a few of my female friends(yes I do fux with a few chicas LOL)yesterday I realized as females we have a problem with letting go. We need explanations and calculation and investigations. We can't just let things go. I have noticed that in order for me to move on in the past I have had to start a new relationship. Its just silly. We as women need to start standing strong in what we believe in. I have started deleting ppls numbers from my phone but I always find a way to get their numbers back. I have been hurt so much in my short years that I sometimes even over react to the things that ppl don't do. This is not about male relationships. This is about all relationships. I have had ppl drop me just for me to find out I did nothing wrong but the whole time we weren't talking I was thinking that I had done something so I make it a point not to drop ppl for no reason and not to drop ppl without letting them know why. Because if they r really your friend u should b able to talk it out. I have recently been re-introduced to two of the realest females I know and they r ppl that I have known all my life and at the end of the day even they have letting go problems. I don't judge because I have been there and I am writing this blog to let them know that I know where they r coming from. The bottom line is women can't let go with out knowing what they r letting go of and y.

Amazing Times

For some reason this was one of the longest weekends I have ever had. Full of alcohol and fun. I missed those weekend and I am glad they r back.

Night Talk

Before I go to sleep I must clear my head. I would really love for people to comment on my blog. I have these blogs not only for ppl to see what I think be for u too show me what u think. So comment. Give me some feedback. Anyway that is not what is really on my mind. I reallt want to just vent about a holiday that I want to start. I want to make June 1st national clean up day. I want this to be the day that people go through their lives and clean up all the assholes and half way friends in their lives. I found that this makes for a better future u know. Sometime you have to clean up your past to see your future. And I just recently realized that myself. I had a lot of people that I called my friends only because I was always there for them but that time has past. It is time for my real friends to get the recognition that they deserve. So I have cleaned up my past and my future is looking so sos so sososo good. And for my male friends don't keep askin me for advice be a man and learn shit on your own there r only three men that I will advise no matter what and they r the boo the bro and the bestie. All of you other dudes need to figure shit out on your own because until u can help me I'm not helpin you. I think that is all I have to say so that I may sleep peacefully. But u know if I think of something else I will be right back up here blogging with the best of them. Well good night.